last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
