Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
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