I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
