i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
