I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
