i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
