I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
