I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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