tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
