My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
