I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Sext me about skeletons
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
