Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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