We won't sleep together?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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