Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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