I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
