You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
