if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She bit a glass in half.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
