Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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