I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
