; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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