i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
