margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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