I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
