Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
