Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
