I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
