some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
