so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
