I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
