Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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