I'm sorry my penis didn't work
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
