I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm experimenting with sincerity
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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