so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
