Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
