If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
