Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
