Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
