Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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