I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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