dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
