Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
