so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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