theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
