My liver just broke up with me...
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
