my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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