All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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