she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
