I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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