This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
