I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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