I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Dicks are not precious.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
