Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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